when dating, when choosing friends.

you need a gardener not a florist.

a florist only picks perfection.
they cut you down.
teach you that you aren't adequate alone.
a florist will stop your growth, in fact they'll kill you slowly.

sure, it seems rewarding temporarily.
you might bring a smile to someone's face for a week or so.
when you're chosen, you feel special. nothing else in the world matters.
but a florist treats all the other flowers the same.
in fact, a florist ignores your individuality more than it celebrates it.

but, a gardener...

a gardener gives you their time.
they keep you nourished and strong.
teach you that you're worth fighting for.
a gardener will encourage life and tear down weeds that suffocate.

a gardener will keep you rooted and firm,
they'll allow room for growth.
even understand that change is normal; change is good.
a gardener might trim and prune you, but only to keep you from hurting yourself.

sure, a gardener can't always prevent the harsh, cruelty of winter
but they'll absolutely revive you in the spring.
a gardener delights in your happiness and health;
your beauty and uniqueness makes them smile.
their knees will be sore from praying and working on your behalf.

and gardeners don't ask for a thing.
they just want you to shine.

so, find a gardener not a florist.

and, if you can, be a gardener too.

gratitude.

Brené Brown is my soul sister.

She is well-known for a TED talk on vulnerability.

She was also on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, where she reiterated a comment from one of her books that gratitude is the key to joy.

---

I have been single for the majority of my life. The longest relationship I had been in, lasted a month. And I enjoyed being single.

I say this to emphasize the fact that I'm not a relationship expert; I don't have experience or any sort of knowledge on what works for everyone.

But, I wanted to share something that has been on my mind a lot recently:

My relationship has been hard. Hard because I consistently fought it. I am extremely lucky to have a man who is patient and understanding, who is obsevant and  approachable, who communicates when I can't find the words.

I am regularly insecure and often feel inadequate. For me, it seems easier to be alone. It seems easier to deal with my problems and fears in private. It seems easier because it's what I'm used to. When I get stressed or worried, I isolate myself.

Being single was easier because I could be wherever, whenever. I could hibernate and wallow and stuff my face and no one knew or cared.

Now I have someone who notices and sees and wants to fix everything. Man, boys like to fix things. And letting someone help has been terrifying. Opening and releasing my innermost thoughts nearly chokes me.

Vulnerability is the key to love, because (at least for me) love comes from appreciation. And how can there be appreciation without service? How can there be service without needs? There can't.

And in order to see the need we have to observe. In order for others to observe our needs we must communicate them.

Being transparent is frightening. But feeling understood and accepted after opening? That is the most beautiful thing I've ever felt.

That, to me, is love. It's not a perfect first kiss or a fun date. It's not arm candy or consistent plans on a Friday night. Love isn't a full bank account or a ten-year plan.

Love, for me, is sacrifice. It's in the silence after all words are spoken. Love is in the metaphorical hug that can only be felt after you jump off a cliff into their arms.

And love isn't kept once you find it.

Love is work. I always thought it was a feeling, but it's an experience. A constant choice. A choice that I believe reaps everlasting joy.

Joy that is kept when we are continually grateful for what we have and simultaneously offering good things for our partners to be grateful for.

It is hard and uncertain and far-from controllable. But it is worth that jump. It's worth the tears and the sacrifice and the risk.

Most people mistake passion for love, but I think it is more of a silent, solid trust.

I'm grateful for the honest, loyal man I have found. And I thank God every day that I didn't settle for the freedom of spinsterhood or the fleeting fun of previous relationships.

My joy is full. I would've waited thirty more years to experience this.

Don't settle for a ring. Don't settle for butterflies. Don't settle for sarcasm or empty promises.

Hold out for the lung collapse of terror when you find someone you cannot live without. Fight for the real stuff. Don't stand in your own way.

The joy will be worth the wait.