marriage is like walking a dog.

Let's pretend for a moment that I have the laziest dog in the world. I can, in good faith, strap a leash to his collar and drag him up the stairs, through the front door, and up and down the sidewalk for 2 hours a day.

But the thing is, if he never actually walks, if I have to keep literally dragging him everywhere, he'll never make any progress. I'm trying to help him. I want my puppy to be healthy and I know walking will make him happier. So I drag him around and around for his own good.

But the dog still has to walk.

I'm just holding the tether.

In marriage you have your own brain. You make the choice to grow. You make the choice to progress. You have to choose. And so do they.

I can guide my husband around a puddle, I can offer advice. Sometimes he will pull me faster than I planned on going. Sometimes he'll hold me back from acting too spontaneously. And ideally, I'll do the same for him when it's appropriate.

We have freedoms, ideas, dreams, and choices to be made as individuals. The leash is useless if we sit there and cry and pout while they drag us around the front yard. It just wears them out. Sure, my husband has to pull me around every once in a while; I'm not perfect. That's the luxury of a partnership. It just can't BE the entire partnership.

We cannot progress together, unless we also work as individuals.

I have to walk. He has to walk. We have to communicate which direction we want to head. If I suddenly switch directions and he isn't ready or okay with that, we could lose grasp of the leash. I have control only over my own actions. I have to be willing to move or we won't get anywhere. He only has control over his actions. He can try to drag me around, but eventually he'll exhaust all of his energy and we'll both be stuck.

Teamwork succeeds only when individual players are doing their best to win. Marriage isn't a safety net. It's not a backup plan or a horse-drawn carriage into the sunset.

It's promising simply that you'll stick together while you climb this mountain. So make the choice to actually climb. You'll have sore muscles, blisters, and bruises but you'll also see sunrise after sunrise of beauty and magic if you simply improve as individuals toward the same goal.

Be better. Try harder. Encourage your spouse, but remember you can't force them. They are who they choose to be. You can only choose to be better yourself.

will heaven be hard for you?

one of my favorite parts of the LDS faith is our belief in eternal families. you can be sealed to your spouse and children and parents in the temple. this means that even after death, that bond is not broken.

i am sealed to my parents, as are my siblings.

many of my siblings are sealed to their spouses, and i am sealed to nathan.

because i am sealed to my parents, i can live with them forever. nathan is not sealed to my parents, but he is sealed to me. which means, that he will be living with my parents forever as well -- so long as he and i remain faithful to our vows/covenants.

likewise, nathan is sealed to his parents. i am not directly sealed to them, but we are connected through his sealing to them.

i adore his parents and his brothers and am honored and excited to have them in my eternal family circle.

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lately i have been contemplating earthly relationships.

especially in this context of eternity, how are we treating those that we will be connected with forever?

i love nathan and am so lucky to also love his family. but if i didn't love one of them or any of them, how would that affect my eternity?

i think that heaven will be pretty hard if we cannot learn to love each other on earth.

indeed, heaven will be hard if we cannot practice kindness and respect on earth.

especially with family -- blood, in-law, adopted, church -- we must remember that this bond will not be severed.

you can't have the one person you choose and expect all the others they are connected to, to disappear.

when you picked that one, you picked the rest as well.

so, remember who is part of your family and treat them with the best of care because heaven will surely be hard if you don't.

around these parts.

you have to do the dishes. you can be happy about it or you can be a grump about it. but you still have to do them. you can keep mental tally marks of who does it more often, but that doesn't erase that they have to be washed.

you have to go to work. you can do it happily or you can leave with a frown. but you still have to go.

yes there are days when i choose to be selfish. i let the laundry pile higher for one extra day or i let dominos make dinner. but then there are days like today:

the power went out and school was cancelled, so we cuddled in bed until noon. and as my husband's cold nose brushed my cheek i thought about how lucky i am.

dishes and laundry and work will always be around. but few are the days of simplicity.

no worries or obligations. just the person you love sitting next to you as you sleepily whisper your dreams to one another and plan the future.

life's obligations are important. but your heart, it's also important.

sometimes you need a day, or a morning, away from distractions to re-align.

life shouldn't be about counting calories or to-do lists or calculating who is making a bigger effort. because even when technology and vehicles and warm showers are stripped away, there will still be people around you. you can be a good person to be around, or you can be exhausting. you can be pleasant or you can be a ticking bomb.

i made a great choice when i chose to marry nathan. but it's my job to make sure he feels that he made a good choice -- every day.

accountability keeps a marriage happy. blame shoves a marriage aside.

you can be the problem or you can prevent it.

and that is what i've learned.

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