growth.

i gave up on love. i gave up on marriage.

it wasn't because i was old or tired of waiting, it was because i had been hurt. i had been lied to. i had been disappointed and tossed aside like garbage.

and they're not supposed to hurt you -- words. but they do.

words that go unsaid, they hurt.
words that are said insincerely, they hurt.
promises that are issued without thought and then broken, they hurt.

and through all that hurt it seemed impossible.

it seemed impossible that a boy existed who just wanted me to be happy. (not just make me laugh or entertain me, but to make and keep me happy every second of every day.)

it seemed too much to ask for a boy to care about my day.

it seemed there would never be a boy who listened.

i felt incredible. i felt deserving. i felt funny and attractive and relatively intelligent.
but i didn't believe that there could ever be a boy who saw all of that and my flaws and wanted to keep it.

no matter what the future held, i was certain that i was stuck with me.
i can never escape this body. i can change my name and looks and location, but this body and soul, they are mine.

and so i made myself into a version i was am proud of. i worked hard physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

i worked on me. and that's when everything changed. i wasn't looking for someone to complete me or say the right thing around every corner. i wasn't looking for an elusive puzzle piece. i was more than content, i had created happiness.

i made myself into someone better, and then i got someone who was better.