marriage is like walking a dog.

Let's pretend for a moment that I have the laziest dog in the world. I can, in good faith, strap a leash to his collar and drag him up the stairs, through the front door, and up and down the sidewalk for 2 hours a day.

But the thing is, if he never actually walks, if I have to keep literally dragging him everywhere, he'll never make any progress. I'm trying to help him. I want my puppy to be healthy and I know walking will make him happier. So I drag him around and around for his own good.

But the dog still has to walk.

I'm just holding the tether.

In marriage you have your own brain. You make the choice to grow. You make the choice to progress. You have to choose. And so do they.

I can guide my husband around a puddle, I can offer advice. Sometimes he will pull me faster than I planned on going. Sometimes he'll hold me back from acting too spontaneously. And ideally, I'll do the same for him when it's appropriate.

We have freedoms, ideas, dreams, and choices to be made as individuals. The leash is useless if we sit there and cry and pout while they drag us around the front yard. It just wears them out. Sure, my husband has to pull me around every once in a while; I'm not perfect. That's the luxury of a partnership. It just can't BE the entire partnership.

We cannot progress together, unless we also work as individuals.

I have to walk. He has to walk. We have to communicate which direction we want to head. If I suddenly switch directions and he isn't ready or okay with that, we could lose grasp of the leash. I have control only over my own actions. I have to be willing to move or we won't get anywhere. He only has control over his actions. He can try to drag me around, but eventually he'll exhaust all of his energy and we'll both be stuck.

Teamwork succeeds only when individual players are doing their best to win. Marriage isn't a safety net. It's not a backup plan or a horse-drawn carriage into the sunset.

It's promising simply that you'll stick together while you climb this mountain. So make the choice to actually climb. You'll have sore muscles, blisters, and bruises but you'll also see sunrise after sunrise of beauty and magic if you simply improve as individuals toward the same goal.

Be better. Try harder. Encourage your spouse, but remember you can't force them. They are who they choose to be. You can only choose to be better yourself.

Girl.

I've watched this 400 times. It is so accurate. Work has been so stressful lately and it is all I can do to not be all 

"GIRL???"

to everyone who needs anything from me.

As hard as it is to adjust to all of the changes, there is something so gratifying about leaving work knowing that I made significant progress. It is a great feeling to know that you have done your best. And even the days when things fall through the crack, you always have tomorrow.

After working late every night last week, I left Friday all

"GIRL!!!"

We had a busy weekend. Nathan's family came into town which is always my favorite. We went to Bear Lake and celebrated his grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary. So much of me wanted to curl up in bed and sleep, but ironically staying busy recharged me even more. I'm actually excited to tackle another week.

For the next few weeks, Nathan's brother will be staying with us while he gets ready to go up to BYU-I. Girl! You know what that means! 

All the single ladies should stop by for a visit and "casually" meet him. I'm just saying. We could be family. Unless you're a creep, then no thanks.

oh, hey.

So, it's been like four months. I made a flow chart so that we can catch up:

#nerdalert

It's so good to be here again surrounded by all of you lovelies! Over here we've just been enjoying every ounce of summer we can -- swimming, camping, baseball games, hiking, and of course grilling! 

We also just bought new bikes and I'm hoping the weather stays good so that we can enjoy them before the frozen tundra strikes again. Idaho weather is just so awesome.

I have also been getting used to a recent promotion. There is something just so amazing about learning and stretching ourselves. I definitely have my work cut out for me, but I am loving this challenge.

Be looking for upcoming posts: my current obsessions (music, television, food, etc.,) dream fulfilling, and knocking out the rest of my summer bucketlist!

So tell me, what are your plans for the rest of summer??

on knowledge.

{via}

Lately, I've really been struggling with this whole "I know better" guilt. 

I know that I should eat healthier. I know that I should work-out more. I know that I should keep the house clean. I know that I can be a better wife. I know that I can wake up earlier. I know that I can work harder at my job. I know, I know, I know.

So I have all this guilt for the things I'm not doing. I don't do them because I have this constant fear of not being good enough. And then I drown those feelings with more laziness and food. And that my friends, is the vicious cycle I am in.

I have this ache to paint and write and run and sing and bake and LIVE.

I just don't because I have convinced myself that I'm not good enough to find happiness in those things.

As if I have to be perfect at a task to enjoy it.

I feel this suffocating demand to be without flaw, and I know I'll never live up to that so I fall back on the knowledge that I will fail at perfection.

So why try.

But even here, I know better. I know that it is not perfection that is asked of me or of you or of anyone.

Improvement is all that is expected.

I have this text-message urgency to have everything now and reach the future now and be prepared now and have all my problems solved now.

The future isn't now. I know that too.

Knowledge isn't always what it seems. The truth is, knowledge can be crippling.

Truth seems like freedom when you don't have it.

But when you do, it comes with expectations. I just wanted to go on a cruise, but I have an expectation to run the ship.

Life isn't a vacation. I keep trying to take a vacation FROM MY LIFE, but you can't. Life follows you wherever you go. Responsibility, expectations, and structure call to you each and every Monday.

It is not a hard life, but sometimes living it is hard.

I know that I should do better, but I don't know if I can be better. I hope I can. I want to be. But that is something I just don't know.

I see my feet slip-up and my steps get shaky, and instead of working to regain my balance, I jump off the cliff. As if I meant to do it in the first place.

No one can judge me if they think I chose this. No one can make me feel bad if I make myself feel worse first.

But, then there was a break-through.

Bonnie L Oscarson spoke to me this week. (To thousands of other women too, but really to me.) I have emotionally craved this lesson for months. Her solution to all of my stresses and worries and fears came in eight words.

"Aim for the ideal but plan for contingencies."

This is my new mantra. All week I have repeated this over and over and over in my head. I can learn to accept contingencies. I can move beyond the ideal of perfection and find happiness even when things don't go according to plan.

I can get through these struggles. I can overcome. I can be better.

{via}

will heaven be hard for you?

one of my favorite parts of the LDS faith is our belief in eternal families. you can be sealed to your spouse and children and parents in the temple. this means that even after death, that bond is not broken.

i am sealed to my parents, as are my siblings.

many of my siblings are sealed to their spouses, and i am sealed to nathan.

because i am sealed to my parents, i can live with them forever. nathan is not sealed to my parents, but he is sealed to me. which means, that he will be living with my parents forever as well -- so long as he and i remain faithful to our vows/covenants.

likewise, nathan is sealed to his parents. i am not directly sealed to them, but we are connected through his sealing to them.

i adore his parents and his brothers and am honored and excited to have them in my eternal family circle.

---

lately i have been contemplating earthly relationships.

especially in this context of eternity, how are we treating those that we will be connected with forever?

i love nathan and am so lucky to also love his family. but if i didn't love one of them or any of them, how would that affect my eternity?

i think that heaven will be pretty hard if we cannot learn to love each other on earth.

indeed, heaven will be hard if we cannot practice kindness and respect on earth.

especially with family -- blood, in-law, adopted, church -- we must remember that this bond will not be severed.

you can't have the one person you choose and expect all the others they are connected to, to disappear.

when you picked that one, you picked the rest as well.

so, remember who is part of your family and treat them with the best of care because heaven will surely be hard if you don't.

bodies.

recently i let reality set in that i am the heaviest i have ever been.

there are physical explanations:

desk job

sugar intake

tv addiction

and each of them can be changed, fixed, remedied.

and there is the emotional explanation:

a few months after we first got married, i had a miscarriage. it wasn't even a real one -- a chemical pregnancy that my body sorted out.

but even when you know what is really happening, you wonder.

my whole life, all i've ever really wanted to be was a mom. in the way some crave being a doctor or a writer or an artist, i've longed for babies.

and seriously, it tore me up to even wonder if that was a glimpse into our future. that someday when we really did try and were ready for babies, that maybe my body wouldn't be able to handle that.

it's an illogical assumption, but such is life with hormones.

it doesn't matter that my husband looks at me exactly the same way as he did nine months ago.

i have destroyed my body by doubting my body.

i can eat less sugar and work out more and change these physical elements. i know this because i have done it before.

but learning to love a body that has failed you (even when that failure is more made-up than real,) is the hard part.

and this is the tipping point where i say that i've had enough.

for me, the emotion fed the laziness.

but excuses don't equal change. only work -- physical and emotional -- can effect the outcome.

today, the healing begins. beauty is not in a number. beauty is not a title to be awarded to you.

beauty is found in the love you show yourself.

**i vow to never try kale chips or learn to love quinoa

[via]

hope.

they don't tell you, but faith is the easy part.

science is great because these really smart people do hours and hours of research to prove things. but not every person has that kind of time.

so we have faith. we have opinions, beliefs, and thoughts; with fidelity and loyalty we hold strong to them even if there is not evidence of proof. we're good at opinions. a lot of the time, nothing can thwart our point of view. people can shove proof down our throats, but we'll still hold true to what we think.

(just look at those anti-vaccine moms.)

but hope.

hope is the true struggle.

[via]

to have the belief and opinions, and to look forward with reasonable confidence. to ignore the arguments, the negative voices in your head. to press on toward the future you expect and want.

some people don't see it, so to them, it must not be true. but you believe it at your very core without a single sight of evidence. and more importantly, you reach for the day that they are proven wrong.

to hope is to wait patiently. hope is the antitheses of argument. when someone is confident and full of hope, they do not feel the desire to convince joe down the street.

sure, you will defend and hold strong, but you will not waste time on frivolous debates. you know, you believe, and so you will wait.

hope that things will get better. hope that dark will turn to light. hope that nightmares will cease. wait, hold strong, persevere.

keep the faith and hope for the reality that is to come.

metaphor.

Picture a tree.

There's a thick, tough trunk. It supports branches that later bear blossoms and fruit. It holds leaves; constantly soaking up sunlight.

There are also roots. Roots that stretch and grow to collect water and nutrients. Roots are hidden, deep deep under the Earth. Not because they aren't valuable -- it is just the opposite. They're safe there.

There are strong trunks holding the weight of the world on their shoulders; fighting against the wind. There are roots ignoring fame and glory to nourish through summer and comfort through winter.

There are trunks and there are roots. They are different. They are separate. They are equal.

You can have roots without trunks and trunks without roots. But the happiest world has both.

Roots can strengthen trunks but they'll always be roots.

Trunks can renew energy to the roots, but they can't switch places.

There's different jobs to be done. We need both.

Do your job the best you can. Find happiness in your success. Reach, grow, improve.

You are not better or worse. You have a job. A noble, divine role. It's not the same as theirs, and it's supposed to be that way.

around these parts.

you have to do the dishes. you can be happy about it or you can be a grump about it. but you still have to do them. you can keep mental tally marks of who does it more often, but that doesn't erase that they have to be washed.

you have to go to work. you can do it happily or you can leave with a frown. but you still have to go.

yes there are days when i choose to be selfish. i let the laundry pile higher for one extra day or i let dominos make dinner. but then there are days like today:

the power went out and school was cancelled, so we cuddled in bed until noon. and as my husband's cold nose brushed my cheek i thought about how lucky i am.

dishes and laundry and work will always be around. but few are the days of simplicity.

no worries or obligations. just the person you love sitting next to you as you sleepily whisper your dreams to one another and plan the future.

life's obligations are important. but your heart, it's also important.

sometimes you need a day, or a morning, away from distractions to re-align.

life shouldn't be about counting calories or to-do lists or calculating who is making a bigger effort. because even when technology and vehicles and warm showers are stripped away, there will still be people around you. you can be a good person to be around, or you can be exhausting. you can be pleasant or you can be a ticking bomb.

i made a great choice when i chose to marry nathan. but it's my job to make sure he feels that he made a good choice -- every day.

accountability keeps a marriage happy. blame shoves a marriage aside.

you can be the problem or you can prevent it.

and that is what i've learned.

...

when dating, when choosing friends.

you need a gardener not a florist.

a florist only picks perfection.
they cut you down.
teach you that you aren't adequate alone.
a florist will stop your growth, in fact they'll kill you slowly.

sure, it seems rewarding temporarily.
you might bring a smile to someone's face for a week or so.
when you're chosen, you feel special. nothing else in the world matters.
but a florist treats all the other flowers the same.
in fact, a florist ignores your individuality more than it celebrates it.

but, a gardener...

a gardener gives you their time.
they keep you nourished and strong.
teach you that you're worth fighting for.
a gardener will encourage life and tear down weeds that suffocate.

a gardener will keep you rooted and firm,
they'll allow room for growth.
even understand that change is normal; change is good.
a gardener might trim and prune you, but only to keep you from hurting yourself.

sure, a gardener can't always prevent the harsh, cruelty of winter
but they'll absolutely revive you in the spring.
a gardener delights in your happiness and health;
your beauty and uniqueness makes them smile.
their knees will be sore from praying and working on your behalf.

and gardeners don't ask for a thing.
they just want you to shine.

so, find a gardener not a florist.

and, if you can, be a gardener too.

gratitude.

Brené Brown is my soul sister.

She is well-known for a TED talk on vulnerability.

She was also on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, where she reiterated a comment from one of her books that gratitude is the key to joy.

---

I have been single for the majority of my life. The longest relationship I had been in, lasted a month. And I enjoyed being single.

I say this to emphasize the fact that I'm not a relationship expert; I don't have experience or any sort of knowledge on what works for everyone.

But, I wanted to share something that has been on my mind a lot recently:

My relationship has been hard. Hard because I consistently fought it. I am extremely lucky to have a man who is patient and understanding, who is obsevant and  approachable, who communicates when I can't find the words.

I am regularly insecure and often feel inadequate. For me, it seems easier to be alone. It seems easier to deal with my problems and fears in private. It seems easier because it's what I'm used to. When I get stressed or worried, I isolate myself.

Being single was easier because I could be wherever, whenever. I could hibernate and wallow and stuff my face and no one knew or cared.

Now I have someone who notices and sees and wants to fix everything. Man, boys like to fix things. And letting someone help has been terrifying. Opening and releasing my innermost thoughts nearly chokes me.

Vulnerability is the key to love, because (at least for me) love comes from appreciation. And how can there be appreciation without service? How can there be service without needs? There can't.

And in order to see the need we have to observe. In order for others to observe our needs we must communicate them.

Being transparent is frightening. But feeling understood and accepted after opening? That is the most beautiful thing I've ever felt.

That, to me, is love. It's not a perfect first kiss or a fun date. It's not arm candy or consistent plans on a Friday night. Love isn't a full bank account or a ten-year plan.

Love, for me, is sacrifice. It's in the silence after all words are spoken. Love is in the metaphorical hug that can only be felt after you jump off a cliff into their arms.

And love isn't kept once you find it.

Love is work. I always thought it was a feeling, but it's an experience. A constant choice. A choice that I believe reaps everlasting joy.

Joy that is kept when we are continually grateful for what we have and simultaneously offering good things for our partners to be grateful for.

It is hard and uncertain and far-from controllable. But it is worth that jump. It's worth the tears and the sacrifice and the risk.

Most people mistake passion for love, but I think it is more of a silent, solid trust.

I'm grateful for the honest, loyal man I have found. And I thank God every day that I didn't settle for the freedom of spinsterhood or the fleeting fun of previous relationships.

My joy is full. I would've waited thirty more years to experience this.

Don't settle for a ring. Don't settle for butterflies. Don't settle for sarcasm or empty promises.

Hold out for the lung collapse of terror when you find someone you cannot live without. Fight for the real stuff. Don't stand in your own way.

The joy will be worth the wait.

growth.

i gave up on love. i gave up on marriage.

it wasn't because i was old or tired of waiting, it was because i had been hurt. i had been lied to. i had been disappointed and tossed aside like garbage.

and they're not supposed to hurt you -- words. but they do.

words that go unsaid, they hurt.
words that are said insincerely, they hurt.
promises that are issued without thought and then broken, they hurt.

and through all that hurt it seemed impossible.

it seemed impossible that a boy existed who just wanted me to be happy. (not just make me laugh or entertain me, but to make and keep me happy every second of every day.)

it seemed too much to ask for a boy to care about my day.

it seemed there would never be a boy who listened.

i felt incredible. i felt deserving. i felt funny and attractive and relatively intelligent.
but i didn't believe that there could ever be a boy who saw all of that and my flaws and wanted to keep it.

no matter what the future held, i was certain that i was stuck with me.
i can never escape this body. i can change my name and looks and location, but this body and soul, they are mine.

and so i made myself into a version i was am proud of. i worked hard physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

i worked on me. and that's when everything changed. i wasn't looking for someone to complete me or say the right thing around every corner. i wasn't looking for an elusive puzzle piece. i was more than content, i had created happiness.

i made myself into someone better, and then i got someone who was better.

“The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.”

—	Daniell Koepke

the tweet of life stories.

subtitle: because you have to keep up with brissa and shaylynn.

my parents have a child for every form of birth control they ever tried. i was the last and the seventh, but i was intentional. this means that i have an unrealistic view on my importance as a human being.

as a child I made dance videos with my friend kelli. i messed up a lot and she yelled at me. this was the end of my dancing career. but i do know the hoedown throwdown and will show that off any chance I get.

up until high school, my mother forced me to endure permed hair but never let me in on the secret that brushes and perms don’t mix. picture a frizzy, triangular mess with loads of acne and you have every school picture of me from 1996 to 2004.

during high school I met friends that brought me down to earth in the best way – through laughter and sarcasm. i dated the prom king for like a week; even i’m not sure how that happened. he was my first kiss. i was half-asleep and didn’t realize he had kissed me until it was over. pure magic.

in college i perfected my cookie baking skills. i also skipped class a lot and so here i am, 23 and barely about to get my associate’s degree. power through, kids!

i recently started dating a boy who terrifies me in a good way. he's disgustingly nice. i was fully awake for our first kiss.

here’s to flat irons and conditioner.

the hardest thing to accept, the easiest to give away.

from the beginning, notes were my thing. sometimes i complimented his freckles. sometimes they were stuck to his back. sometimes they were hidden and sometimes they were hand delivered.

the first note he gave me was folded inside a birthday card. it was a letter, really.

he listed everything he liked about me. at the end of the list he wrote, "i guess i just took the long way to tell you that i love you."

those three words were supposed to be good news, but they stabbed me. because i couldn't say them back.

my whole life, love seemed like this euphoric, magical feeling where the heavens opened and you flew. maybe it is like that for some people.

when i read them i cried. in the following days, each time he'd say it it stung more. there was swearing and praying and even more tears.

because how could he love me.

for ten days he said those words. my silence didn't stop him. he loved me. he knew it. he didn't need to hide it or wait for the "right time."

he told me he wanted to marry me. that he would spend his life ensuring my happiness. that he couldn't promise a perfect future, but that he wanted me to be his, forever.

he said all these things even though i was silent.

part of me was scared to promise the same. part of me was scared i'd have to say it to someone else someday.

mostly i was unsure that what i was feeling was indeed love. but in those ten days i've learned that:

love is 90% being the right person,

10% finding the right person.

i learned that love is a choice. 

love isn't blind; i know his faults, i see his weaknesses. but i choose to look past them. i choose to help strengthen them.

love isn't on a time-table; it doesn't always come at first sight or hit you like a bus.

love is happiness. love is security. love is patience. love is practical and a bit reckless. love is full of possiblities. love is given and recieved.

it took me a while to accept love.

but once i accepted the word from that boy, it was the easiest word to give away.

like you.

if our babies are like you they'll be perfect.

wrinkled foreheads taking the whole world in.
fingers wrapped around mine, love growing with each second.
soft smiles that make my knee caps weak with joy.
poking and prodding me for attention.

if our home is like you i'll stay there forever.

established on solid ground, reaching toward heaven.
safe and offering protection from all of life's unknowns.
a few creaky floorboards that make being human beautiful.
picturesque but humble, quiet but inviting.

sometimes.

sometimes you meet someone, an extraordinary someone, who you feel unworthy of. yet, you ignore the doubt and dream anyway.

like that song by the smith's, you wish that this time you'll get exactly what you want.

and after some time between the skepticism and effort.

your 11:11 pleas. your fortune cookies. your prayers. your wishes on stars. they pay off.

and that someone you most wanted. that third time charm.

he wants you too.

"The key to a successful relationship isn't just in the words, it's in the choice of punctuation. When you're in love with someone, a well-placed question mark can be the difference between bliss and disaster, and a deeply respected period or a cleverly inserted ellipsis can prevent all kinds of exclamations."
- David Levithan

my thoughts on growing up in the mormon church.

i am the youngest of seven children, born to a mother and father that faithfully abided by the doctrines of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. (and still do.)

growing up i attended three-hours of church service every sunday.
from the age of twelve, i attended an additional hour on tuesday evenings.
throughout high school, i reserved one credit-hour each semester to leave campus and take scripture courses.

my opinions on the church as a teenager were that there were far too many stories about pioneers.
there were a lot of references to obscurely-named characters from the book of mormon.
it seemed that i was to have every story memorized and able recite at any moment.
i knew to gasp upon mention of getting tattoos and showing too much skin.

i showed up happily to all these meetings. i understood what was being taught and i believed it.

more than anything, i observed the people. i watched what they did, i remembered what they said.
if, after observation, i felt that an individual seemed "good" i would listen to what they believed, then i would take their word for it.

after twenty-one years of doing everything i was told to do, one day i stopped and looked around and decided it wasn't for me.

so i quit going. i ignored phone calls. and suddenly i had all this free time.

then i experienced a down-ward spiral --that may or may not be related to the above-mentioned inactivity.
[the spiral did not consist of pre-marital sex or drinking or drugs or butterfly tramp-stamps.]

quite frankly i went from a euphoric, free feeling to unshakable self-doubt and despair.
but this is another story.

i experienced what i now refer to as a quarter-life crisis.