bodies.

recently i let reality set in that i am the heaviest i have ever been.

there are physical explanations:

desk job

sugar intake

tv addiction

and each of them can be changed, fixed, remedied.

and there is the emotional explanation:

a few months after we first got married, i had a miscarriage. it wasn't even a real one -- a chemical pregnancy that my body sorted out.

but even when you know what is really happening, you wonder.

my whole life, all i've ever really wanted to be was a mom. in the way some crave being a doctor or a writer or an artist, i've longed for babies.

and seriously, it tore me up to even wonder if that was a glimpse into our future. that someday when we really did try and were ready for babies, that maybe my body wouldn't be able to handle that.

it's an illogical assumption, but such is life with hormones.

it doesn't matter that my husband looks at me exactly the same way as he did nine months ago.

i have destroyed my body by doubting my body.

i can eat less sugar and work out more and change these physical elements. i know this because i have done it before.

but learning to love a body that has failed you (even when that failure is more made-up than real,) is the hard part.

and this is the tipping point where i say that i've had enough.

for me, the emotion fed the laziness.

but excuses don't equal change. only work -- physical and emotional -- can effect the outcome.

today, the healing begins. beauty is not in a number. beauty is not a title to be awarded to you.

beauty is found in the love you show yourself.

**i vow to never try kale chips or learn to love quinoa