marriage is like walking a dog.

Let's pretend for a moment that I have the laziest dog in the world. I can, in good faith, strap a leash to his collar and drag him up the stairs, through the front door, and up and down the sidewalk for 2 hours a day.

But the thing is, if he never actually walks, if I have to keep literally dragging him everywhere, he'll never make any progress. I'm trying to help him. I want my puppy to be healthy and I know walking will make him happier. So I drag him around and around for his own good.

But the dog still has to walk.

I'm just holding the tether.

In marriage you have your own brain. You make the choice to grow. You make the choice to progress. You have to choose. And so do they.

I can guide my husband around a puddle, I can offer advice. Sometimes he will pull me faster than I planned on going. Sometimes he'll hold me back from acting too spontaneously. And ideally, I'll do the same for him when it's appropriate.

We have freedoms, ideas, dreams, and choices to be made as individuals. The leash is useless if we sit there and cry and pout while they drag us around the front yard. It just wears them out. Sure, my husband has to pull me around every once in a while; I'm not perfect. That's the luxury of a partnership. It just can't BE the entire partnership.

We cannot progress together, unless we also work as individuals.

I have to walk. He has to walk. We have to communicate which direction we want to head. If I suddenly switch directions and he isn't ready or okay with that, we could lose grasp of the leash. I have control only over my own actions. I have to be willing to move or we won't get anywhere. He only has control over his actions. He can try to drag me around, but eventually he'll exhaust all of his energy and we'll both be stuck.

Teamwork succeeds only when individual players are doing their best to win. Marriage isn't a safety net. It's not a backup plan or a horse-drawn carriage into the sunset.

It's promising simply that you'll stick together while you climb this mountain. So make the choice to actually climb. You'll have sore muscles, blisters, and bruises but you'll also see sunrise after sunrise of beauty and magic if you simply improve as individuals toward the same goal.

Be better. Try harder. Encourage your spouse, but remember you can't force them. They are who they choose to be. You can only choose to be better yourself.

on knowledge.

{via}

Lately, I've really been struggling with this whole "I know better" guilt. 

I know that I should eat healthier. I know that I should work-out more. I know that I should keep the house clean. I know that I can be a better wife. I know that I can wake up earlier. I know that I can work harder at my job. I know, I know, I know.

So I have all this guilt for the things I'm not doing. I don't do them because I have this constant fear of not being good enough. And then I drown those feelings with more laziness and food. And that my friends, is the vicious cycle I am in.

I have this ache to paint and write and run and sing and bake and LIVE.

I just don't because I have convinced myself that I'm not good enough to find happiness in those things.

As if I have to be perfect at a task to enjoy it.

I feel this suffocating demand to be without flaw, and I know I'll never live up to that so I fall back on the knowledge that I will fail at perfection.

So why try.

But even here, I know better. I know that it is not perfection that is asked of me or of you or of anyone.

Improvement is all that is expected.

I have this text-message urgency to have everything now and reach the future now and be prepared now and have all my problems solved now.

The future isn't now. I know that too.

Knowledge isn't always what it seems. The truth is, knowledge can be crippling.

Truth seems like freedom when you don't have it.

But when you do, it comes with expectations. I just wanted to go on a cruise, but I have an expectation to run the ship.

Life isn't a vacation. I keep trying to take a vacation FROM MY LIFE, but you can't. Life follows you wherever you go. Responsibility, expectations, and structure call to you each and every Monday.

It is not a hard life, but sometimes living it is hard.

I know that I should do better, but I don't know if I can be better. I hope I can. I want to be. But that is something I just don't know.

I see my feet slip-up and my steps get shaky, and instead of working to regain my balance, I jump off the cliff. As if I meant to do it in the first place.

No one can judge me if they think I chose this. No one can make me feel bad if I make myself feel worse first.

But, then there was a break-through.

Bonnie L Oscarson spoke to me this week. (To thousands of other women too, but really to me.) I have emotionally craved this lesson for months. Her solution to all of my stresses and worries and fears came in eight words.

"Aim for the ideal but plan for contingencies."

This is my new mantra. All week I have repeated this over and over and over in my head. I can learn to accept contingencies. I can move beyond the ideal of perfection and find happiness even when things don't go according to plan.

I can get through these struggles. I can overcome. I can be better.

{via}

hope.

they don't tell you, but faith is the easy part.

science is great because these really smart people do hours and hours of research to prove things. but not every person has that kind of time.

so we have faith. we have opinions, beliefs, and thoughts; with fidelity and loyalty we hold strong to them even if there is not evidence of proof. we're good at opinions. a lot of the time, nothing can thwart our point of view. people can shove proof down our throats, but we'll still hold true to what we think.

(just look at those anti-vaccine moms.)

but hope.

hope is the true struggle.

[via]

to have the belief and opinions, and to look forward with reasonable confidence. to ignore the arguments, the negative voices in your head. to press on toward the future you expect and want.

some people don't see it, so to them, it must not be true. but you believe it at your very core without a single sight of evidence. and more importantly, you reach for the day that they are proven wrong.

to hope is to wait patiently. hope is the antitheses of argument. when someone is confident and full of hope, they do not feel the desire to convince joe down the street.

sure, you will defend and hold strong, but you will not waste time on frivolous debates. you know, you believe, and so you will wait.

hope that things will get better. hope that dark will turn to light. hope that nightmares will cease. wait, hold strong, persevere.

keep the faith and hope for the reality that is to come.

around these parts.

you have to do the dishes. you can be happy about it or you can be a grump about it. but you still have to do them. you can keep mental tally marks of who does it more often, but that doesn't erase that they have to be washed.

you have to go to work. you can do it happily or you can leave with a frown. but you still have to go.

yes there are days when i choose to be selfish. i let the laundry pile higher for one extra day or i let dominos make dinner. but then there are days like today:

the power went out and school was cancelled, so we cuddled in bed until noon. and as my husband's cold nose brushed my cheek i thought about how lucky i am.

dishes and laundry and work will always be around. but few are the days of simplicity.

no worries or obligations. just the person you love sitting next to you as you sleepily whisper your dreams to one another and plan the future.

life's obligations are important. but your heart, it's also important.

sometimes you need a day, or a morning, away from distractions to re-align.

life shouldn't be about counting calories or to-do lists or calculating who is making a bigger effort. because even when technology and vehicles and warm showers are stripped away, there will still be people around you. you can be a good person to be around, or you can be exhausting. you can be pleasant or you can be a ticking bomb.

i made a great choice when i chose to marry nathan. but it's my job to make sure he feels that he made a good choice -- every day.

accountability keeps a marriage happy. blame shoves a marriage aside.

you can be the problem or you can prevent it.

and that is what i've learned.

...