my thoughts on growing up in the mormon church.

i am the youngest of seven children, born to a mother and father that faithfully abided by the doctrines of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. (and still do.)

growing up i attended three-hours of church service every sunday.
from the age of twelve, i attended an additional hour on tuesday evenings.
throughout high school, i reserved one credit-hour each semester to leave campus and take scripture courses.

my opinions on the church as a teenager were that there were far too many stories about pioneers.
there were a lot of references to obscurely-named characters from the book of mormon.
it seemed that i was to have every story memorized and able recite at any moment.
i knew to gasp upon mention of getting tattoos and showing too much skin.

i showed up happily to all these meetings. i understood what was being taught and i believed it.

more than anything, i observed the people. i watched what they did, i remembered what they said.
if, after observation, i felt that an individual seemed "good" i would listen to what they believed, then i would take their word for it.

after twenty-one years of doing everything i was told to do, one day i stopped and looked around and decided it wasn't for me.

so i quit going. i ignored phone calls. and suddenly i had all this free time.

then i experienced a down-ward spiral --that may or may not be related to the above-mentioned inactivity.
[the spiral did not consist of pre-marital sex or drinking or drugs or butterfly tramp-stamps.]

quite frankly i went from a euphoric, free feeling to unshakable self-doubt and despair.
but this is another story.

i experienced what i now refer to as a quarter-life crisis.

in january of 2012 i made a new year's resolution to incorporate the word 'tolerance' into my life.

i studied it like the facebook profile of a new-found crush.

but the thing was, that the more i studied tolerance the less i understood why i was studying it.
okay, i get it. we should all be nice and hug bunnies and hold hands and sing.

except, that wasn't enough for me. cause people are stupid and sometimes i just want to punch them in the face and tell them to never procreate.

and then i read a book. [get ready to cringe.] i read the book of mormon.

for the first time in my twenty-two years of life, i picked up this book; i was determined to not just read the first twelve chapters for the seven-hundredth time, but to read the entire thing by Christmas.

on the falsely-fated mayan date of the world's end, i finished reading the book of mormon for the first time.

and this is what i learned:

i learned that my whole life was a lie.

i spent twenty-two years studying people, which parts of the pioneer stories to cry in, and how to look like i knew what i was doing.

but no where in growing up did i study Christ, the tears He shed for me, or how He taught me to live.

some of the people in the mormon church are judgmental and ignorant and bitchtastic. i say this because i used to be one of them. [if you knew me in college, you should understand perfectly.]

and this is why >> i was an awful person because i did not know Christ.

i had heard of him. i understood why mankind needed him. i didn't doubt that He lived. but i didn't know Him.

the book of mormon taught me about Christ. the book of mormon taught me that I need Christ.

Christ has experienced every pain and sorrow, every heartache and frustration i have felt. He knows what it was like to feel so hopeless that i'd rather not be living at all, and He knows every single moment of pain that led me to that point.

He understands because He felt it too in the garden of gethsemane. and He overcame it.

the book of mormon taught me that i could and can overcome all things because of and with Jesus Christ.

and Christ did this for everyone. He did it for you. He knows you and He loves you and He cares about you.

He loves you as you are. imperfect and weak, beautiful and fragile. He loves you. He doesn't love if you go to church or if you are super nice to everyone. He loves you because you are His sibling. no matter what, forever and ever.

He suffered so that we can be redeemed from sin and from sorrow. Matthew 8:17; D&C 19:18

He was baptized so that we can be reborn, and become more like Him. Mark 10:38

He died to seal his mission and to provide us with an eternal home with our Heavenly Father. Matthew 27:35

He lived. and every day He lives, through each of us. John 20:31

i am more tolerant because i understand the empathy of Christ. i am more patient because i understand the bigger picture.

now, i know Jesus Christ.

and while i am still imperfect, i am becoming better.

i didn't have a negative experience growing up in the mormon church, but i didn't have a very profound experience either.

i am once again attending the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. i now read from the new testament and the book of mormon every day. i attend even more hours of church service throughout the week, than i did growing up.

but no more is it taxing and exhausting. because i'm not doing it for my parents. i am doing it for myself. i attend church so that i can further my study and understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

i participate in this particular church because i understand that i need to be baptized as Christ was.  2 Nephi 31:5

i read from the book of mormon because despite what it's name would have you believe, it is all about Christ. Mosiah 14:5

i prescribe to these beliefs because i know that life gives us choices and consequences. 2 Nephi 2:27

i understand that every person deserves respect and love and compassion from me, because i have chosen to give my life to Him, I have also promised to live as He did. 3 Nephi 27:27

and now i live the gospel of Jesus Christ, rather than blindly mimic the actions of the people around me.