growing up.

I keep seeing pieces of you. In the laughter of old friends. In the kindness of strangers. I feel your strength pushing me to overcome fears.

There is so much comfort in feeling you near. I can sense your close presence and it's the most bitter/sweet feeling. Bitter because you're still unknown and distant. Sweet because this familiarity gives me hope.

Years ago I said that I was already falling in love with you, even though we had never met. Today, I felt that rush once again. This overwhelming trust that you exist and are in a similar place, even if it isn't the same as me. I appreciate this notion that you're already here.

I wish occasionally, that the future were here and we were together. But today I became thankful for the time I still have left. I appreciate the blessing of opportunity; I can still change and grow into the woman you deserve. I pray for time to become everything I want to give you.

Divorce is my biggest fear, and lately it seems that even the strongest of couples are choosing it. But lately, I've been filled with faith that my life can be different if I choose to make it so. I'm in charge; now that I'm taking down that tall, protective wall, I am seeing these little pieces of you come in through the cracks.

And I adore everything that I see. I adore you -- the man I haven't met.

The husband that I will someday call mine.


I may have to be patient for several more years or several more months, but either way I hope that I continue to use the time I'm given for improvement. Not for clinging to disappointments of the past or fear of future heartache. I hope that I focus on the growth of myself and the service of others.

You are my every birthday wish and my daily motivation. You may be somewhere else or with someone else today, but someday you'll be mine.

goodnight.

The last year of my life was exceptionally awful, so tonight on the eve of my 22nd birthday, I let off a floating lantern. With it, left the past. I sent all my feelings of regret and sorrow and hurt.

Tomorrow night, I'll send off a second with a wish for the future. A wish to find love and happiness in every moment of my life. A wish to bring that same love and happiness to all I meet. A wish for change and improvement.

Hopefully Flynn Rider will be by my side tomorrow.

reasons i think you should see the lucky one.

[I rarely sit through a movie and upon sight of the credits, immediately want to watch it again. With The Lucky One I did.
And if you are even remotely attracted to Zac Efron... well, lets just say that in this movie he could turn a straight guy gay.]

1. Taylor Schilling is so so so relatable. Her facial expressions held so much emotion. Numerous times I could tell exactly what she was thinking. I feel like this is so rare now in Hollywood.

2. The little boy is the perfect amount of adorable and innocent. Usually child actors just have a cute face, but he was actually talented. You could see the conflict and hurt in his eyes in some scenes and the contrast of pure happiness in other scenes.

3. Nana! Holy bananas, she made me want to be old. I already struggle with wanting to be 80, and she sealed the deal. One of those well-written characters that are equally hilarious and wise. So many funny moments occurred thanks to her.

4. Only a little bit of crying; unlike other Nicolas Sparks' book-to-movie films where you leave the theater in hysterics. There were only a couple tender moments, so if you don't cry easily then you'll be dry-faced the entire time.

5. The special hugging. I feel like I shouldn't say anymore...

6. Zac Efron with puppies.

7. Zac Efron shirtless.

8. Zac Efron playing the piano.

9. Zac Efron with puppies.

10. Zac Efron dancing.

11. Zac Efron with puppies.

12. Zac Efron playing with a child.

13. Zac Efron with puppies!


I will say though, that the military Zac wasn't so good... His acting was a bit rocky there, but it's such a small part of the movie.

animal.

i feel like i should be sad for my bff jill that John Tucker took a break from her, but the last two days with her have been so fun. i'm really about to cry at the thought of how much i love that girl. we're planning a double wedding because we both know i'll die if i don't get married at the same time as her.

people do not bash t swift in my house. no no no. she is on a throne -- you don't have to like her music but you must respect her.

hello, attractive man at the dance tonight who told me and bff jill that we looked wonderful. you are at the top of my favorite list today.

applebees, your food sucks. why do i forget this? also, the waitress you gave me tonight was not impressive. the first time in my life that i did not leave a good tip.
the entire staff of texas roadhouse was there tonight and in uniform. i found this more funny than it was.

don't leave your camera unattended. i will take pictures of myself and others. i do not apologize to the stranger whose camera i obtained this evening.

i could high-five this girl who is always wearing giant English hats every day. every day. church too. you truly inspire me to embrace my quirks.
"You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves." - Mary Oliver


line dancing will always be my activity of choice. cupid shuffle. cha cha slide. i love them all.

my lovely friend cut my hair today. she gave me texas hair. it was amazing.
now i need to watch gcb.

tomorrow i get to meet zac efron. mmm mmm mmm.

i just have a lot of feelings...

Sometimes I forget that Josh Hutcherson will not fall in love with me. You don't need to remind me; if you try, I will eat you.

Sometimes I need to eat seven desserts in one sitting because I'm hormonal.

Sometimes I don't understand how nerd/blacklight can be considered a dance theme. I will dress accordingly anyway.

Sometimes I play board games with the sole purpose of making sure that that one obnoxious person loses.

Sometimes I get embarrassed for the guy in my ward who tried to pull a "John Tucker" using almost every line straight from the movie. Originality, that one has.

Sometimes I get the urge to garden and the urge to knit in the same moment and realize how quickly I am becoming an 80-year-old woman.

Sometimes I want to pee my pants when my BFF Jill tells me she bought me a birthday sash and tiara to wear when Zac Efron falls in love with me.

Sometimes I learn that eating four more pieces of licorice is not an adequate substitute for brushing my teeth.

Sometimes I stay up till five in the morning and then want to shoot myself when I remember that my BFF Jill is going to make me go to zumba in three hours.

Sometimes I love when my weekend starts early. Okay, all the time I love that.

five days until the showdown.

my birthday is in five days, children.

f. i. v. e.

5

and this is the weather forecast:

oh baby!

an 80's party to bring down the house with the temperature in the 80's? serendipity.

and remember that poem that won me an award?

well, the boy who I wrote it about might be coming to my party. [i know, i just went 8th grade on you. but come on, it's my birthday!]

it will surely be the best monday in the world.

letter to my 21-year-old self.

My sweet, baby girl,

He hurt you. It's okay to admit that. Let yourself experience the pain. Don't be ashamed that you wanted it to work; desiring commitment and affection is never something that should be suppressed . Please, please admit to yourself that it hurt. The sooner you experience the emotion the better. Otherwise you'll hold onto it until it consumes you.
You are an out-going friendly woman, but holding onto this pain will cause you to drive people away. You'll stop trusting people; even worse, you'll stop trusting yourself. You're working so hard to hide the hurt that you're neglecting so many good things. Let it go. Cry and get angry. Do something, because feeling nothing can last forever and is even harder to recover from.

There will come a day when you are curled in the fetal position begging God to end your life. A week later you won't even remember why things were so bad that day. A week after that a boy will stand on your doorstep and tell you that he cannot find a girl who compares to you. Always hold out for good things. Keep hope. Believe that happiness is coming. Christ suffered alone, but He won't let you suffer alone. Always look toward the sun.
There is a saying that the grass is greener on the other side, but yours could be just as green if you took the time to water. Sometimes those good-things-on-the-horizon have to be worked for. Waiting won't get you anywhere.

Love,

Your biggest fan